I'm not long for this world. Not to say I'm leaving a world, but to say this current externalized world is not where I'm headed. Call it a "parallel universe", "alternate timeline", or "dimension"--it's the journey I've come here to undertake.
What I wasn't prepared for (and I guess very few are) is the sheer density of resistance, judgement, stacks upon stacks of conclusions and decisions against this journey I would face for the 65 years I've been on this dusty road. There are rewards. Stuff like blowing through fixed ideas, envisioning new possibilities, and spotting and evaporating hundreds of identities--usually formed from other people's expectations.
It seems, as I look back from whence I've come, that I sort of fell into this experience without really doing any due diligence--a sort of jump into the abyss without first bothering to find out what the hell is at the bottom of it. It seems somehow irresponsible, and certainly unthinking, if not downright dumb. And yet, I took the plunge and for 65 years have struggled in a seeming unending stream of disappointments, failures, stupidities, pains and sufferings, that, had I known about these in advance, I most certainly would never have come here.
But I did. So the big, flashing neon question looming before me is,"WHY?". Not that all this has been one big helping of sour grapes, as I've worked through all those regrets...mostly. In fact, self-forgiveness is essential for disempowering regrets, and this can only happen after you forgive "everyone else" you believed were the cause of all your suffering and discomfort in life.
I mean, my needs and wants are simple, really: and unencumbered life, free of economic restraints, creative blocks, and the freedom to experience whatever I please. Wait. What. Is that all? I'm smiling at myself for writing that, yet that IS the Utopia I've been trudging toward. It seems simple, yet after 65 years of going in what I've thought was that direction, it's difficult to not feel resisted against by life.
And there it is. Resisted by life. The Big Lie. The only thing resisting me is me. What I call "life" is simply the sensory experience of this particular mirroring consensus frequency, where it's automatic to be shown "evidence" of external resistance. These quantum entanglements of what looks like resistance are in reality my own evaluations and juried indictments of my own value.
The longer I trudge toward my personal Utopia, the more often I look at the mileage, and it goes up every time I look at the sign: 500 miles to Utopia, becomes 5,000 miles to Utopia. It is daunting, demeaning, and fully a reflection of my own internalized value and willingness to accept as valid my needs and wants. It's the feeling I'd get as a kid on a long family car trip: "How many more miles, Dad?" He should have then said, "As many as you feel are necessary, son."
What is this unknown and seemingly unknowable quota of miles? How much of this trudging and gazing at the mirrored increasing mileage signs must I perform? It feels like the story of Sisyphus, who was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness against the gods by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only for it to roll down when he neared the top, doomed to repeating this action for eternity.
Punished for craftiness? Deceitfulness? Perhaps punished for a crime he really didn't commit, but was convinced of it by the gods? The crime of being himself? The crime of having desires? The crime of needing freedom? Granted, Sisyphus was a trouble-maker in the eyes of the gods--so much so that the gods could not forgive him, and instead sentenced him to an eternity of unrelenting labor and failure.
Of course, the metaphor for "the gods" is the Higher Self--that overseeing consciousness beyond space and time, and yet also a participant in life with the temporal self. And here we have the crux of the matter. The temporal self can look out upon the world and see a reflection of past decisions, past and present states of being, and externalized intentions. The Higher Self looks upon the entire life--past, present and future--and like the Biblical Creator on the 7th Day declares "All is good."
I'm coming to believe that assuming the Higher Self's viewpoint of "All is good" is the bridge between the endless trudging journey and the Utopian life. Perhaps it is all really the same thing--the exaltation of Utopia made all the more exquisite by the journey. After all, we do live in a dualistic world, where we can slingshot from one end of the spectrum to the other, sometimes instantly.
Like David and Goliath, I see myself releasing the slingshot of a lifetime of pain and suffering, aimed directly at the Goliath of my own resistance, slaying the monster that said my life has no value, and that I must endure endless frustration and failure. Goliath falls with a great thunder, and I am free.
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