Monday, November 11, 2019

Soul Tracking #12


Pic from yesterday's friggin' cold!  Yesterday, it got up to 74 degrees, but Sunday night it started blowing and the temps plunged ahead of a much anticipated arctic air mass.  By 6 AM it was 23 degrees.  Although I didn't want to move from under the covers to check, I think the power went out around 5 AM.  My clue was that the furnace didn't thump on for a good half hour, which would indicate the thermostat was not activated.  I feel asleep again and woke up around 8:30 AM--with the furnace going full blast.  I set the thermostat at 64, and the heat was coming on about 5 minutes after it shut off, so I knew it was cold.

The wind was whistling and rushing past the house at a good clip--probably 40 MPH, and despite the new windows in this place, I could feel a breeze slicing through.  Brrrr...

I know I know, I'm a wimp when it comes to cold--being in Southern California a good part of my life hasn't helped the acclimation!

It was a beautiful day yesterday, so I did not procrastinate going to the store--especially knowing the weather forecast. I mailed a couple of packages and re-stocked food items that I was out of, so it wasn't a full shop.  The grocery store was busy, so I figured everyone else was doing what I was doing--shopping before it got COLD.  The forecast also had us within the expected precipitation area, but it never showed up--just overcast and windy.  Another cold day is up for tomorrow, but it warms into the 50s on Wednesday. 

I finished up Set 12 for MBN Radio.  I'd started it about a month ago, but was waiting on more content to show up for podcasts.  I got that bit from Matt Kahn, another great reading by Patricia Cota-Robles, and that Deep Space Nine edit, and a couple of This Quantum Life Episodes, uploaded to the station.  I also found some new tracks, and uploaded those. 

At one time, I had about 1000 tracks representing about 11 days of programming, but when I shut the station down last year, when I brought it back in March, I attempted to just upload everything again (took about 12 hours), but it was way more than I could program at the time.  I did do 9 12-hour playlists, and then had to sort the tracks so there wasn't a bunch of repetition.  Then I found out that about 25% of what I thought I uploaded didn't actually get saved by the radio server--not sure why, so I've been filling in blanks as I put together the sets.  I'm going to start on another set tomorrow--if it can be an odd number, then I can run the sets consecutively and they Set 1 will rotate AM-PM, so that Set 1 played on Monday AM, will rotate around to Saturday PM.

Anywho, last night--actually this morning I had a vivid dream about Arnold Schwarzenegger telling me and a couple of friends about all of his acting roles in full character mode.  I think it was me who asked him about how got the the Terminator role, and he just launched into a huge tirade about his entire career.  We all were looking at each other, wondering if we should stop him and leave, or hang int for the full production!  I then promptly woke up. I guess it was something about stories not being important.

I updated a bunch of Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter posts in Hootsuite for Pure Energy Rx and the newsletter.--I actually maxed it out.  They cut you off after 300 posts, but I got most of it up there, so I'm good for a couple of months now.

I got the two "make up" orders yesterday and today.  What I mean by make up orders is products that were owed, so I was hoping they wouldn't happen at the same time, but they did.  Well, I'm glad to get caught up with those customers, anyway, so maybe that will shake loose the money flows a little.  I've noticed that a lot of people are visiting the site, but they're not buying.  I think that's because the customers are re-visiting the site sometimes 3-4 times before making a final purchase, which tells me that people are being more cautious about buying.  I seems to be some hesitation when it comes to the economy, so I'm sending lots of energy to everyone to feel secure around finances! 

Continuing with the binge-watch of DS9.  I noticed that the writing (at least for Season 1) is a bit pedestrian. There were two episodes with the same  plot, and the direction was plain.  That's what was going on with STNG in the first season, too, but it picked up steam as the seasons rolled out.  I'm hoping things pick up for DS9.  Voyager had no such difficulties.

To switch gears completely -- If you are into the practice of non-duality, you'll definitely want to watch the Judith Blackmore video from the Science and Non-Duality Series on YouTube. In it, she runs everybody though a "realization process" and embodiment exercise.  Very cool.  I definitely got a lot out of it in a short 33 minutes.  I've been participating in a personal transformation process where my timeless, eternal self is merging with my time-ridden 3D body.  It's been very interesting, since I have a lot of pain.  But  as I experience the body from the viewpoint of the eternal self, things change.  That's why, I think, the Blackmore video caught my eye, as that is what she's talking about as far as I'm concerned.

Onward to DS9!

Saturday, November 9, 2019

Soul Tracking #11


Today's pic
I just discovered Matt Kahn. In case you don't know, he's a master spiritual messenger. I'd heard of him, but was never moved to look at his material, but for some reason, and I'm not sure how, I ended up on a video of him speaking about the non-existence of time.  Wow. It really sorted some things out for me, because I've been aware now for a few years that I was "suffering" from a sort of "temporal ephasia", where it feels in the body like it's being contorted, or threatened with contortion, and its response is to clench up.  This has led to pretty severe fibromyalgia, and what feels like nerve damage.

Kahn effectively deconstructs time, so that it really seems like an illusion created by the mind just to make a story, or for other arbitrary reasons.   He makes the point that, yes, you can track time with your mind, but that is only making arbitrary distinctions and divisions among different "nows". There CAN be movement, but it has nothing to do with time.  And this blew my mind because the pain I feel is mostly confined to movement, so I get hyper-aware of time passing while I'm experiencing pain through time.  This is actually an inaccurate framing of what's happening. 

Pain forces attention on duration, because of the desire for it to "be over".  Remove the duration, and there is a gateway to infinite possibilities for the pain to become something else, or go away completely.  Because every "now" comes with an infinite variety of "nows" existing in different harmonics of the current "now", by switching frequencies, you do what Kahn calls dimensional jumping.  Now I've heard of this, but just hadn't thought of it in this way.  Pretty cool.

Matt Kahn
Kahn also pointed out that aging is caused by identifying with the perception of time--a built-in cultural habit. And when we are able to step outside of time, the body responds immediately by transforming into its original form.

I then watched another of Kahn's videos about the misconceptions around "raising your vibration", common among spiritual aspirants.  One's vibration can only rise, when one is "being nice", and that the only criteria of spiritual advancement is how nice are being to yourself and others.  For most of us, it's much easier to be nice to other people than it is to be nice to ourselves.

Being nice includes complimenting self, asking the inner child (where the Higher Self is residing) how to be nice to it--what to say and in what way.  This is a biggy for me, because I have what Kahn describes as a "negative ego"--whereby I make myself small, or punish myself for not being this or that--or really any excuse to put myself down, the ego takes it.  This is because the ego is operating at a frequency that is incompatible with the Higher Self.  The way to raise the frequency is to "be nice" to it.  As Kahn says, the Inner Child is the one with the 4-digit PIN code to your infinite fortune, and they're not going to tell you what it is until you are being nice.  It sounds silly, but there is considerable depth of research that went into that observation. Kahn says to ask the question, "How nice do I need to be to convince the inner child that you are a nice person?  How nice to have to be to allow for loving you?"

Once you start being nice to yourself and your inner child, you'll find that it automatically carries over to other people, and can end up being an ecstatic experience.  You can be gracious, complimentary and polite, demonstrating to yourself (and others) that you are coming from a high vibratory rate.  The fact is, being nice IS the journey from lower vibrations to the highest vibrations, so it's no trivial matter. 

So, I recorded the first talk and edited it down into a podcast and uploaded it to Mystic Broadcast Radio, so  it'll be in rotation there for a while.

I also edited down the episode of Deep Space Nine where Sisko meets up with the wormhole beings (I spoke of this in the last blog entry).  It's a great conversation, and fits right in with the Matt Kahn talk on time.  So watch for that in rotation on the radio, too.

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Soul Tracking #10


Cold enough for the wool beret....
I've had trouble shaking off the blues today.  Went to bed early last night, after finishing the newsletter and getting it queued up to mail.  Got up for a second bathroom visit around 10:50 AM, sat on the bed assessing the situation, and laid back down and within a minute was back to sleep--until noon. So that was 10 hours of sleeping.

I did my usual morning routine in the early afternoon, and rousted myself away from the computer, took a shower and got all the way dressed.  I had one package to a customer to mail, which I had intended to mail yesterday, but, as happens this time of year, I ran out of daylight. Once it gets dusk, darkness is a lot faster than in the summer.  The truck is missing a headlamp, and the other one is super dim, so driving in the dark is out. 

It was warm yesterday (64); but a hefty wind barreled in around 6 PM, blew all night at 35 MPH and scoured out all the warm air, so the high temp today was only 42. So, I had to put on a coat, although it was a beautiful sunny day, it was chilly. 

I was emotionally down, sensitive to my pain levels, and once again getting worried about money.  I stayed mindful of my emotional state, watching it go from anger and frustration to neutral, to almost upbeat, and then back down again, but overall, I was feeling kind of griefy.

Writing my article and doing the podcast was intense, and although I'm happy with the result, it left me feeling out of sorts and drained.  I was digging down deep to make my points in the essay, and I think I was turning over some very old emotional rocks, exposing some shit I hadn't looked at in decades or longer.  So, that's good. I've learned to appreciate these painful but revelatory periods, despite the discomfort, because they are a portent to finding a joy space later.  It's just today was not where the space was. 

As I got out of the truck to take the package into the PO, a lady was about 15 feet in front of me, and was standing at the door holding it open for me.  A kind act, but it sure made me feel old and decrepit, as I hobbled past her, putting on smile and a thank you.  She was getting the mail from her post box, as I dropped the package at the counter, and we both were in step and once again, she held the door for me.  "You timed that well!" she exclaimed, and I retorted in a voice I didn't recognize, "We're in synch!" 

Tuesday afternoon I got a call from Hil--the 95 year-old gentlemen I spent a year with being his in-house caregiver.  He called ostensibly just to say hi, but the next day, I realized he was feeling me out for a favor.. I was upbeat in the conversation, and told him about my life being great, and how things had finally turned around for me.  I think he thought that meant I was making good money, because when he called again (I was on the john), he left a disturbing message about needing to borrow $548 to cover the rest of his rent due at 5 PM.

The apartment complex he lives in, in Encinitas, is one of those massive residential constructions with 100 apartments--all of which are priced sky high.  He has been living there for 32 years, and the corporation that runs the joint has been jacking up the rent mercilessly every 6 months.  He started out paying $600 for a 2-bedroom place, that now they want $2000 for. Last year when I was there he was paying $1600. This is very typical of California in general these days, but it hits people on fixed incomes particularly hard.  Although Hil gets a small stipend from the VA and the city, his social security leaves him nothing after paying his bills and food.

In his message he said that managers were being polite, but also were threatening to kick him out if he didn't pay by 5 PM.  I felt for the guy.  Shit, I've been there many times, and it ain't no fun!  I just wish I could have helped him, but I'm basically subsistence, too.  So that whole thing added to my feeling down. And when the mood is down, the pain is up, which adds to the down-ness and makes fun all that much harder to find!

I managed to royally ruin my cherished cooking pan yesterday.  It's one of those 40-dollar ceramic-coated no-stick sauce pans.  I was steaming beets and beet greens in it, and just had the burner turned up too high, so by the time I got back to it, all the water had boiled away leaving the burned beet sugar severely stuck to the non-stick surface.  I knew that about ceramic.  It does have some things that stick to it, and burned sugar is one of them.  I spent about 15 minutes trying to scour it, but succeeding in only chipping chunks of the black matter off of it, before my arms were screaming at me--another reason why I'm particularly achy today.  I'm still going to use the pan, but I'll need to plan for getting another at some point.

After I got done with the newsletter, I watched the next episode of "Bull" on CBS All Access.  I really like that show.  It's a cheerful and well-written series about a "Trial Science" firm, specializing in measuring jury responses, and using that data to fine-tune their defense strategies for their clients. It's as close to jury tampering as you can get and still be perfectly legal.  Michael Weatherly plays Jason Bull, the head honcho. We remember Weatherly from "NCIS".

I'll be heading back to DS9 tonight--it'll be a nice escape from my moodiness...

Monday, November 4, 2019

Soul Tracking #9


Afternoon sun through the blinds....
Number 9... number 9... number 9... That permanently installed ear worm thanks to John Lennon and the "White Album".

Nine is the number of completion in numerology--one of its properties is that you can add it to any other single digit and the sum of the digits is the original digit.  It's as if 9 is transparent, or perhaps just moved into another dimension.

Speaking of completion: I came to end of my binge watch of STNG. I had recalled the final episode as being a bit of a letdown, but now that I experienced the entire series, I feel that it's perfect.  The very last scene is Capt. Picard finally sitting down at the poker table with his trusted and able officers, who have now become his family, and saying, "I should have done this a long time ago."  Fade to black.

Next up tonight is number 9 again -- Deep Space Nine!  Woo-hoo!  It was fun watching how DSN characters got woven into the STNG narrative, and DSN mentioned several times during the last season of STNG. So watching it next was a no-brainer.

Last night I got to bed a little earlier, and the sleep time was framed by high pain levels.  Why certain nights are worse than others is a mystery to me--especially because physically, my life is pretty much the same in terms of events on the day-to-day, and my diet is pretty monotone.  I eat the same thing, basically, almost every day, and if you take into account weekly--it is identical week by week. This is good, because it eliminates variables as my monkey mind tries to analyze "what's wrong" with me.  If I had gone out for pizza, for example, well, then that would have been the reason why pain levels were high.  Or, maybe had a beer, or ice cream, or, or, or.... ugh.

Naw, I'm just experiencing a gigantic re-writing of my entire genetic code, and downloading and installing never before experienced physical embodiment. Sure, I've been incarnated before, but THIS is something entirely different. This is the process of embodying the ENTIRE SELF: higher, lower, subconscious, 3D, 4D, 5D, etc. It is unique to Earth right now--at least that's the information I've been receiving, and it's why there is so much attention on our fair orb from galactic and inter-galactic cultures. The embodiment process has never been attempted, so we are the "first adopters", and teachers of a master class in incarnation into this density.  Of course, if I thought it was going to be a walk in the park, a piece of cake, easy-peasy, I don't think I would have come in here to do this  But that's just me.  And sometimes, I seriously ask myself, "WTF"???

And yet, I am committed, so one way or the other, I'm going to get this done, and hopefully, this beaten and battered body will be able to dig down deep enough to find coherence with the totality of me.

Mercifully, when I do lie down I can usually get to sleep pretty quickly because I rarely have pain when I'm still.  It only kicks in (big time) when I move my legs or arms.  Of course, this means during waking hours, I'm pretty much experiencing pain all the time, there are certain physical positions I can be in where nothing hurts, but it requires stillness and focus.

I remember the days when I could just jump down the stairs and go walking for an hour, hardly in the body--thinking about stuff and not even paying attention to what I was doing--a kind of blissful unawareness that I actually miss sometimes.  Nowadays, walking and especially attempting stairs requires my complete attention and focus so as not to exacerbate already achy muscles and joints, or inadvertently trigger a stabbing sensation in the knees or a tearing feeling in my upper arms.  So this is the situation I am in.  I've already been through the grieving process, and have gotten to occasional hopelessness or outright anger, but I keep pushing the envelope and seem to manage to provide food and shelter for myself, despite the pain and occasional agony of it.

I woke up at 3:33 AM, really needing to take a pee, but realizing that it was going to be a bear getting myself to  the toilet.  I kicked off the blanket, which really hurt; swung my legs over and sat up, which really hurt.  I paused for a couple of minutes wiping the sleep from my eyes, breathing consciously, and then rocking in preparation to hoisting the body to standing.  I do this by using both my arms and knees, which are the exact two things that hurt the most. But it's gotta be done, so I just set my zen, and make the move.

I feel it first in my upper arms, which is usually around an 8.5 accompanied by my shoulder joints popping. Once I get up on my feet, the pain in my knees ratchets way up, sometimes to a 9 (there's 9 again), and I cry out.  Lately, my left knee is so painful, I find myself shifting the weight more to the right knee. It'll cramp out for a moment, and then calm down.  I then hobble to the bathroom to do my business.  In the dark, I have to be especially vigilant because a lot of my balance depends on visual cues. I don't want to turn on the lights, because, a) it hurts my eyes, and b). it gets the serotonin firing, delaying getting back to sleep.

I then back up to the bed and literally fall in, since the knees are too painful to bend into a sitting position without support.  I sit there for a minute, massaging the knees and arms, then maneuver the body under the blanket.

I'm grateful that once I get situated, I'm not hurting, and sleep comes pretty quickly.  For the last 3-4 months, I've been sleeping deeply, with a lot of dreaming that sometimes continues even when I sit up and open my eyes to go pee, or during my wake up routine.  It's as though the body wants to keep sleeping all hours. And yet, if I sleep more than about 2 hours in one position, the body will jab me with some pain to wake me up to change positions. I'm a side sleeper, so it's left side, right side, all night.

Enough of that shit!  Today was store day. I also had two orders to mail, so I took an extra Ibuprofen, shlepped on my street clothes, and hobbled out to the truck.  It was a beautiful Fall day here--around 60 degrees and partly cloudy.  There was a nice breeze--very refreshing.

Pain levels were down as I walked around the grocery store gathering my rations for the week ahead. I bought a money order for the rent, and drove over to the landlady's house to drop it in her mailbox.  Doing it this way--instead of just mailing it--gives me an excuse to be outside doing stuff, trying to keep the envelope of activity somewhat expanded, since I've only been leaving the house a couple times a week.

I managed to horf the groceries into the house without too much pain, and was pleased at myself for getting everything done I had intended to do for the day. I followed up on a couple of communications, got started on the newsletter--actually got it almost done except for my "This Quantum Life" article.  I don't know what I'm going to be writing about yet.  I thought I had it last week, but I'm going to have to let it marinate, and see if I can locate those synapses.  The newsletter will go out tomorrow!

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Soul Tracking #8


Sitting in the truck yesterday, enjoying the sun.
Finally cleared off and warmed up, enough so I finally got around to mailing a couple of orders.  I notice that my pain levels are greater on cloudy, windy days, but when the sun comes out, pain goes down a good 20%.  I just hopped over to the PO in my beater truck, and stuffed the packages into the post office outside mail box, and then just headed back home.  It's about a 4 block trip altogether.  Woohoo!

There are procedures to going out of the house that 10 years ago I would think nothing of--such as putting on street clothes, but in my current fibro state, this is a painful activity, made more painful if leaving the house is a necessity I HAVE to undertake, as opposed to going out for fun.  Ideally, it's for both.  And yesterday it was both.

As I sit here attempting to remember what else happened yesterday, I'm coming up blank.  I do remember I got an inquiry from kind a kooky lady on Twitter, who said she had a radio show, really liked what I was doing with Pure Energy Rx, and wanted to either interview me, plug the products, or have me record something--she really didn't care which.  I initially said I would be honored to do so, please send links of content so I could get up to speed on what she was doing.

Turns out she had a YouTube channel with a couple of videos of her dog, and some British astrologer saying he was looking forward to her show, and one other video of her talking about doing a show. No mention at all of a radio program.  She was kind of wild-eyed and her thinking processes seemed really convoluted to me, so I re-assessed the situation, and decided that obviously this person hadn't really thought out what the hell she wanted to do, and I just happened to get caught up in her initial outreach. I'm not saying I'll never do anything with her, but for now, I'll just be a lurker.  She's called twice, so I guess maybe tomorrow I'll call her back and decline.

And then there's "Billy Boom Boom" and his atomic woofers who seemed to be especially busy yesterday.  He woke me up around 8 AM as he drove by.  He's got a tricked out '66 Chevy that has been outfitted with the loudest thundering sound system I've ever heard from a car, and apparently he lives nearby.  I hear him in the morning, most mornings, and yesterday he seemed like he was driving around my block repeatedly.  I'm just surprised somebody hasn't called the police and had him cited--it's that bad.  Or, maybe they have and he's on some sort of social protest.  From what I can make out, he seems to be listening to 80s hard rock, but maybe it's death metal, or both.  Whatever it is, it's pretty impressive, since my hearing isn't all that good, and it's loud even in the house with the windows closed. Oh well--just another denizen of the local populace. Now if Billy was in downtown L.A. or even Kansas City, the relative volume would be negligible, but here in this quiet little town, you can hear him coming, literally, a mile away.

I went to bed last night around 1:15, and ended up spending too much time with my tunes. When I checked the time it was 1:45, but that was AFTER changing over to Standard Time, meaning I had been listening to music for 2 1/2 hours.  Which brings me to another beef.  Daylight "Saving" Time.  What a ridiculous piece of social engineering that is!

I think most of us remember our parents telling us that we were "saving" an hour so the farmers could work the fields without running out of light.  Of course, that's bullshit.  The U.S. government adopted DST in 1918, using the argument that less power is consumed when citizens have more daylight for their activities--which was disproved many times over by the opposition.  But, using the excuse of the conservation of wartime resources, it squeaked by and was put into effect--in all states except Arizona.  I think Illinois was also not on board, at least until later.  The original manipulation of the human schedule started in Austria in the 1890s, and caught on in other European countries--mainly because the rich people could spend more time at recreation due to an "extended" day.  The railroads, of course, hated it because of the inherent clumsiness of changing all train schedules twice a year.

Bottom line, people just like to have that extra hour of daylight after they get off work to do stuff, and that's why DST has persisted.  I say just make DST year long, and stop this going back and forth.  Although for people like me who make their own schedules are affected much less, those who are in the 9-5 matrix are statistically more likely to suffer heart attacks, strokes and other maladies during the time change.  So, I guess that would be a vested interest for the medical establishment to keep changing the time so they can create more customers. Anywho, now it's getting dark at 5:30, and no one likes it.

In partial rebellion, I turned over and went back to sleep for an extra two hours this morning, hoisting myself up to a sitting position around NOON, which would have been 1 PM CDT.  My last dream sequence was kind of disturbing, and looking at it now, I'm not sure why.  I was across the street from where I lived, working on some computer project, when Shay (my now deceased partner/housemate) unexpectedly came home from a long absence.  I spied her out the window, tromping around angrily  in the front yard.  I hurriedly ran out to greet her.  She glared at me and stomped back into the house.  I followed.  We met in the kitchen, and she was banging dishes and pans, and I was making every effort to be calm and polite, asking her softly how her trip went.  She didn't answer, and just left the room.  I stood there feeling bad that she was upset, and guilty for not being there when she had returned, even though she had come home early.  As I woke up, I was awash in a jumble of emotions that seemed stale and old, so I chalked it up to a good emotional de-tox, thanked it, and continued my wake up procedure.

I had planned to go out again--go to the store, get a money order for rent, and drop it off.  But then I got another E-3 order, and decided to just wait till tomorrow and save a trip.  Procrastination Rule #1:  Why do today what you can do tomorrow?

I spent the rest of the day on social media, watched a couple of videos on YouTube from people I subscribed to, fixed dinner, and now here I am.  Ta-da!

Friday, November 1, 2019

Soul Tracking #7 - 11/1/19

Today's pic
Had to take a little stroll down into Blank Land... I get in the space sometimes where everything seems to standstill, and the last two days have been like that.  Outside of the fact that Mercury was stationary and now has gone retrograde, while I'm in that space, I have anxiety, when actually I'm in retrospect marination.

I got a message yesterday that my brother had called, so I called him back and he was mystified because he did not call me.  Yet, my YouMail voice messaging system clearly said October 30, 11:36 AM--LOL!  Well, that's yet another example of Mercury retro.  We exchanged weirdnesses in our lives, and he said, "You're the only one I talk to who makes all this seem normal." Thank you, I guess.  We were also bemoaning the shared observation that MOST of what is on "topical" YouTube podcasts is what's wrong with the world--very few are about solutions. I think partly it's because channels like that get de-monetized on most platforms--the mainstream media (I include YT in that) do not want people talking about solutions.  It's bad for the Problem Economy!  You see, we've monetized crisis:  private prisons, private armies, medical cartels, money lending...the whole gamut. Everywhere there's a problem, there is someone profiting from it.  And, so here I go complaining about how everyone else is complaining. Geez...

ANYWAY... Halloween was yesterday, and I laid low.  I did go out to mail a package and decided to gas up the truck with a ten dollar bill I've had in my wallet for 3 months.  The gas station is one of those grocery store fuel pump areas, where you get "points" for buying gas.  Dillons has made it so complicated, though, that the cashiers ask you three or four questions about what you want to do with your points.  I just say "yes" to the first thing.  I'm probably screwing myself, but I'd rather not spend my feeble brain power on some promotional gimmick. 

As I was heading to the store, around 4:00 PM, I saw a gaggle of trick o'treaters heading toward my house.  I entertained the idea of getting some candy for those who may come later, but decided against it.  If they come, I ain't answering the door  Well, they never came. 

Had very intense and strange dreams last night that I actually remember vividly.  One was one of those "pre-dreams" that you get just as you're starting to fall asleep and your brain is in theta waves.  I suddenly was up above the planet, probably 1000 miles and in front of my viewpoint was a starship.  It was mostly oval with stuff on the outside of it that looked like sensor equipment. It was grey in color and had a decorative grooved surface.  I sat there looking at it, concluding that because of the way I arrived there, that this was the real deal, and not my imagination.  Pretty cool.  I then quickly drifted off to sleep, but it was the setup for the next dream.

I've had this type of dream many times, and it always carries the same "oh my god" energy with it, partly awe and partly dread, or amazement--kind of hard to describe the feeling.  But in this one, it was the starship Enterprise the 1701-A version from the original TV series with Kirk and Spock.  I was on the ground with several people, and as we looked up it was bearing down on us directly overhead. Then, suddenly, the saucer section disconnected from the ship and plunged into the ground, landing a few feet from where we were standing with a giant THUMP.  The impact dug it partly into the ground, and we started running away.  I was questioning everyone about running, but kept running with them--sort of against my will. I then woke up quickly. 

Spaceship dreams seem to portend a shift in thinking, or a breakthrough of some sort for me.  And in this case, it was my store.  I hadn't gotten any sales for a week, which is unusual, and scary, since it's the end of the month, with rent and utilities coming due.  I felt really confident last week when I had the vendor debit my card for the bucket of E-3 to the tune of $600, taking my balance down to $200, which wasn't enough to cover everything.  But I felt secure that there would be sales.  Well, there weren't ANY, and I was worrying, which I KNOW is pointless--every time I get into that headspace, I hear Terence McKenna say, "The great Chinese Sage and I Ching Master, when asked about the single most important thing he'd learned from a lifetime of reading the oracle, said, Worry is preposterous."  I hang on to that quote like a survivor to a life raft, but STILL I am anxious. 

Mainly because I have been traumatized by events going against me in big ways, leading to homelessness and starvation, so it's no joke.  Put that alongside residual PTSD from being abused in the cult of Scientology, and you've got a recipe for hyper vigilance and dread scenarios when things get out of a certain range of expectation.  So, again, the old "what ifs" come crashing into my thoughts and feelings, and because it's happened before many times, this time the worst case scenario is going to happen. 

Add this to a jacked up nervous system that has gone into chronic muscle tension that has become pretty severe fibromyalgia, and the helplessness of that, and it's a pretty sure bet I'm not a happy camper when things start cutting it close.  Mainly money.  I have dealt with the inescapable fact that my well-being and even direct health is directly dependent on whether or not I think I have "enough" money. And what that's energetically gotten me is a subsistence income, where I can rarely buy anything other than the basics, have holes in my clothes and shoes, a sketchy truck with a wonky transmission, and no furniture, since I previously sold nearly everything that would not fit in one suitcase  Pretty pathetic for a 67-year-old white male, and pretty pathetic I'm STILL judging myself about that, when literally NO ONE else cares.

Anywho, for some reason I found myself pulling out of the worry and actually getting into genuine curiosity about what the universe has in store for my store and my money, and in 5 minutes, the phone rang.  It was one of my customers who used to buy in bulk regularly but hadn't done so since March, and whom I'd written off assuming she'd gone elsewhere for her supplements, or died.  I was kind of flustered to hear from her, as she put in a $400 order, which put me in the black.  Then came the cascading feelings of relief and gratitude, and the inevitable clap on my own back, "See?  Everything works out."  Duh.  The takeaway--once again--is that curiosity is a powerful creative tool, and a good short-circuit for the worry machine.

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Soul Tracking #6


Today's cold weather pic...
Geez, it's friggin' cold!  It managed to eek up to 34 today with a low of 26 -- and to think, just two short weeks ago it was 90!  Ah Kansas... actually from what I can see everybody in the US is having early winter.  It's global cooling, people!  Actually, all those chemtrails are working too well...

I literally forgot to post yesterday, which is my subconscious letting me know that it's had enough of this bullshit journaling thing. All the more reason to continue!

I got all the back orders of E3 out yesterday.  The cream finally arrived around 2 PM, so with dfficulty, I managed to haul the box into the house--it's 50 pounds, and I have the strength of a newborn puppy; so I basically rolled the box over to the prep area, and got it set up.  I ended up with exactly the number of bottles I needed to fill the orders--whew!  Ordered more today, after waiting for my bank account to settle down after doing a bunch purchases.  I'm too close for comfort on my money for insurance and rent, after getting the minimum groceries.  Just continuing to ask and receive!

On my way out of the PO yesterday, a friendly woman--probably about my age, caught my eye and said, "Brrrrr!"  I nodded, "There's snow in the forecast for Wednesday."

"Really?  Oh God... Is that your truck there with the New Mexico plates?  Whereabouts?"

"The middle of nowhere West part of the state," I offered.

"I lived in Silver City for a lot of years--moved out here about five years ago," she nodded. "Hey, have you heard about the $3 lunch they have at the senior center?  It's just over off Washington." she eyed me over making sure I was probably old enough--ugh.  "It's a great deal, good food, too!"

I thanked her for the tip--I'll never go over there. Well, never say never...but I realized that I am truly in the age category of "senior citizen", yet I keep defining myself as much younger.  And I think that's important, actually.  I already feel old as dirt, LOL!

It started to drizzle on the way to the grocery store, so the humidity made it seem colder than it was--although I consider 35 degrees really cold (probably haven't seen anything yet--knock on wood). The plastic that John, Lori and I taped up to cover the missing cab rear window finally fell down, so driving around when it's this cold is, well, shall we say, INVIGORATING!

I managed to load the groceries into the house just before my hands went numb from the cold, and felt fortunate to have a warm house. I fixed something to eat and sat down to watch this week's installment from Stephen Pollitt and Source Energy Medicine. He was reiterating his definitions of  "The Conscious", "The Unconscious", and the "Subconscious".  I really hadn't thought of it in that way, so it was interesting, and useful.

Watched STNG as usual, and went to bed around midnight.  I still didn't make my water goal, but I did drink the same as the day before, and my pee breaks seem to have changed to 4 hour increments, so I'm taking that as a hopeful sign that I'm getting re-hydrated.

Had really busy dreams, but promptly lost them, but I did wake up to a theta state around dawn with information about the human connection to Source. It's the perception of disconnection that is the disconnection.  If we change our perception to connection, then we're connected.  All the reasons, feelings and memories about disconnection is what keep us that way.  So that's useful for me.

As I got underway with my day today, I was feeling tired and impatient.  I get into these headspaces where I just wish I'd see more changes in my physical experience.  It's very frustrating, but just before I start to lose all hope, I notice something that could be an improvement.  But then, that goes away, replaced by some other angle of pain and discomfort.

Source Energy Medicine says that with the subconscious level below 200, things are slow and then cathartic when changes happen.  And the tendency to sabotage yourself is high, so I'm constantly on the lookout for the tricky stuff the subconscious does to ensure my failure.  The frustration and hopelessness I felt today is a mind fuck brought to you by none other than the SC!

Dawn Crystal
I listened to a podcast with Dawn Crystal, who was doing sound healings over the phone with people.  A couple of them I could feel in my body, too.  She's really got it going on, and once my money recovers, I'm going to get some of her material.  She does one-on-one sessions, too, but her prices are prohibitive for me right now.  Too bad, I'll be sticking with her generic MP3's, which look really good.

Well, that's all that's showing up for now.  Onward to the Land of Picard!