Soul Tracking #7 - 11/1/19

Today's pic

Had to take a little stroll down into Blank Land... I get in the space sometimes where everything seems to standstill, and the last two days have been like that.  Outside of the fact that Mercury was stationary and now has gone retrograde, while I'm in that space, I have anxiety, when actually I'm in retrospect marination.

I got a message yesterday that my brother had called, so I called him back and he was mystified because he did not call me.  Yet, my YouMail voice messaging system clearly said October 30, 11:36 AM--LOL!  Well, that's yet another example of Mercury retro.  We exchanged weirdnesses in our lives, and he said, "You're the only one I talk to who makes all this seem normal." Thank you, I guess.  We were also bemoaning the shared observation that MOST of what is on "topical" YouTube podcasts is what's wrong with the world--very few are about solutions. I think partly it's because channels like that get de-monetized on most platforms--the mainstream media (I include YT in that) do not want people talking about solutions.  It's bad for the Problem Economy!  You see, we've monetized crisis:  private prisons, private armies, medical cartels, money lending...the whole gamut. Everywhere there's a problem, there is someone profiting from it.  And, so here I go complaining about how everyone else is complaining. Geez...

ANYWAY... Halloween was yesterday, and I laid low.  I did go out to mail a package and decided to gas up the truck with a ten dollar bill I've had in my wallet for 3 months.  The gas station is one of those grocery store fuel pump areas, where you get "points" for buying gas.  Dillons has made it so complicated, though, that the cashiers ask you three or four questions about what you want to do with your points.  I just say "yes" to the first thing.  I'm probably screwing myself, but I'd rather not spend my feeble brain power on some promotional gimmick. 

As I was heading to the store, around 4:00 PM, I saw a gaggle of trick o'treaters heading toward my house.  I entertained the idea of getting some candy for those who may come later, but decided against it.  If they come, I ain't answering the door  Well, they never came. 

Had very intense and strange dreams last night that I actually remember vividly.  One was one of those "pre-dreams" that you get just as you're starting to fall asleep and your brain is in theta waves.  I suddenly was up above the planet, probably 1000 miles and in front of my viewpoint was a starship.  It was mostly oval with stuff on the outside of it that looked like sensor equipment. It was grey in color and had a decorative grooved surface.  I sat there looking at it, concluding that because of the way I arrived there, that this was the real deal, and not my imagination.  Pretty cool.  I then quickly drifted off to sleep, but it was the setup for the next dream.

I've had this type of dream many times, and it always carries the same "oh my god" energy with it, partly awe and partly dread, or amazement--kind of hard to describe the feeling.  But in this one, it was the starship Enterprise the 1701-A version from the original TV series with Kirk and Spock.  I was on the ground with several people, and as we looked up it was bearing down on us directly overhead. Then, suddenly, the saucer section disconnected from the ship and plunged into the ground, landing a few feet from where we were standing with a giant THUMP.  The impact dug it partly into the ground, and we started running away.  I was questioning everyone about running, but kept running with them--sort of against my will. I then woke up quickly. 

Spaceship dreams seem to portend a shift in thinking, or a breakthrough of some sort for me.  And in this case, it was my store.  I hadn't gotten any sales for a week, which is unusual, and scary, since it's the end of the month, with rent and utilities coming due.  I felt really confident last week when I had the vendor debit my card for the bucket of E-3 to the tune of $600, taking my balance down to $200, which wasn't enough to cover everything.  But I felt secure that there would be sales.  Well, there weren't ANY, and I was worrying, which I KNOW is pointless--every time I get into that headspace, I hear Terence McKenna say, "The great Chinese Sage and I Ching Master, when asked about the single most important thing he'd learned from a lifetime of reading the oracle, said, Worry is preposterous."  I hang on to that quote like a survivor to a life raft, but STILL I am anxious. 

Mainly because I have been traumatized by events going against me in big ways, leading to homelessness and starvation, so it's no joke.  Put that alongside residual PTSD from being abused in the cult of Scientology, and you've got a recipe for hyper vigilance and dread scenarios when things get out of a certain range of expectation.  So, again, the old "what ifs" come crashing into my thoughts and feelings, and because it's happened before many times, this time the worst case scenario is going to happen. 

Add this to a jacked up nervous system that has gone into chronic muscle tension that has become pretty severe fibromyalgia, and the helplessness of that, and it's a pretty sure bet I'm not a happy camper when things start cutting it close.  Mainly money.  I have dealt with the inescapable fact that my well-being and even direct health is directly dependent on whether or not I think I have "enough" money. And what that's energetically gotten me is a subsistence income, where I can rarely buy anything other than the basics, have holes in my clothes and shoes, a sketchy truck with a wonky transmission, and no furniture, since I previously sold nearly everything that would not fit in one suitcase  Pretty pathetic for a 67-year-old white male, and pretty pathetic I'm STILL judging myself about that, when literally NO ONE else cares.

Anywho, for some reason I found myself pulling out of the worry and actually getting into genuine curiosity about what the universe has in store for my store and my money, and in 5 minutes, the phone rang.  It was one of my customers who used to buy in bulk regularly but hadn't done so since March, and whom I'd written off assuming she'd gone elsewhere for her supplements, or died.  I was kind of flustered to hear from her, as she put in a $400 order, which put me in the black.  Then came the cascading feelings of relief and gratitude, and the inevitable clap on my own back, "See?  Everything works out."  Duh.  The takeaway--once again--is that curiosity is a powerful creative tool, and a good short-circuit for the worry machine.