Soul Tracking #2 - 10.24.19

Today's photo...

After writing my last blog entry, I followed a link I received to the Sphere Being Alliance YouTube channel. It is a video about serving self vs. serving others, and it was very well written and caused me to look at the ways my behaviors have been and sometimes are self-serving.  The premise is that during these ascension times, those who are serving self more than 51% of the time will end up bifurcating off onto another low frequency timeline; and those in service-to-others mode will bifurcate into higher realms of being.  Now whether or not this is actually what is happening remains to be seen, but I embrace the concepts and have been evaluating and changing my behaviors accordingly.

The service to self strategy is tricky because in the dualism of this 3D world, you are either the perpetrator or the victim, and both positions lead to self serving agendas.  Yet, by coming into life with an agenda to serve other people, humanity, the planet and/or God, is the only way to escape this deeply entrenched duality.   Some of the questions become, How am I serving the world by taking care of myself?  When I desire something, is it just for me, or also for others?  When I perceive life, is it from a viewpoint of how can it serve me, as opposed to how I can I serve it?  These are great points of self-inquiry.

I then watched the Star Trek Next Generation episode, "Lessons" (I guess I'm on Season 6, not 5).  This is the episode where Jean Luc falls in love with a crew member newly arriving to the Enterprise.  She captivates him with her musical prowess, and they shared several touching moments playing music together.  That's what I like about Star Trek--the writers allow for the subtler nuances of emotion to play large in the scripts.

I went to bed after this episode (around 1:15 AM), and lay there quietly for some time re-hashing  and sorting through an unexpected pile of emotions that were unearthed.  I felt lonely and isolated--as if a lover had left, or died--no doubt a hangover from losing Shay, my long-time partner, housemate and lover.  There was considerable grief still lurking around these ideas and emotions, and I was a little surprised there was still so much there, after all the processing I've done on the loss.  But more than that specific event, I once again acknowledged that while  I enjoy, or require, a lot of solitude, I'm also a "partner person".  Now living as I am, alone, and basically with no social circle, other than online and the weekly phone call from my brother, I've isolated myself in a way that. although I'm liking the aloneness, there's a definite longing for companionship, and that is what the STNG episode pointed out quite poignantly. It was, in fact, Jean Luc's conundrum: being the captain of a starship, responsible for 1000 people, and how an intimate relationship might affect his judgment, should there be an existential catastrophe. Prior to this time, he had chosen NOT to pursue intimate relationships for that reason.

I explored the feelings for quite a while before my usual bedtime ritual of being my own DJ, listening to music. I enjoy mixing the tunes so that they flow stylistically, with some tracks pointing at the next track in unexpected and satisfying ways.  It's the fading and transitioning between tracks that I find entertaining and fulfilling.  If I don't watch the time, I can easily go for 2-3 hours doing this.

Since I had a possible appointment at 1 PM, I cut my listening down to an hour, hunkering down under the blanket and falling asleep quickly.  I proceeded to dream--not about Star Trek, but about Donald Trump--another celeb dream.

Lori Ann Lothian

I think what triggered it was an article I read from a Facebook post by Lori Ann Lothian.  It was a psychoanalysis piece of Trump using archetypes.  Her observations had him tagged as an "High Chair Tyrant", and her scathing analysis was pretty on point, at least based on media coverage of the man.

My dreams were almost entirely of me following him around, and then him following me around just doing random activities, none of which stuck with me after I awoke.  Yet, it was an all night affair, with that energy infusing all my sleep.

I do remember another encounter with Sekhmet as I was drifting back to sleep after a pee break at 7:33.  She was closer to me this time, and rather than averting her gaze as before, she was looking directly at me, and there was a gentle, bluish light emanating from her eyes and staff.  I felt a deep allowance of me--a wave of love that felt wide open, with so much space that by comparison it seemed I have been living under a table my whole life. I then recalled the YouTube video, noticing that when I considered doing something from the space of serving the world, I felt much more free; as opposed to a central focus on what I can get from the world, which now seems so confining, in some inscrutable way. I then noticed my pain levels went down a point and current concerns faded, and then I fell asleep.

I woke up again at 10:43 and checked my messages as I was expecting to hear from my client whether or not we were "on" for recording her podcast at 1 PM.  There was a message saying that what I thought was the person she was going to interview saying she "wouldn't be able to make it", and then a message from my client, Janet, saying for her to enjoy her day.  I was prepared to fully get up if the appointment was "on", but now it seemed it wasn't, so I went back to sleep.

I woke up again at 1:03, and as I picked up the phone it started ringing.  It was Janet.  "Well, are you ready to record?"  I was really groggy and confused.  It turned out the message I received was because I was in a group message list, and the person messaging was someone else--not who I thought it was. Janet was confused, too, but we finally got our shit together, and we managed to pull off doing the podcast with the actual guest, albeit a little late.

Janet Barrett

Janet is one of those people who lives with one foot in this universe, and the other in mysterious realms that I can only occasionally get glimpses of, bless her heart.   We usually do the dance of reaching across timelines and universes to finally meet at a common moment to do our work. So, the dance today was par for the course.

Her podcast, Journeys Into Enlightenment, was a conversation with Mmatheo Motsisi, a medical doctor, healer and shaman from South Africa, and the subject was living in Ubuntu, or Unity, in the cosmic sense.  It's a deep concept in African cultures, and after the hour-long conversation, Mmatheo was in tears attempting to communicate the depth of her feeling about this concept.  It was very sweet and moving.  Since I had just revisited some of those emotions the night before, I was particular empathetic and was right there with her.

The day proceeded routinely, other than an inquiry from one of my customers about why she couldn't find the CDB Hemp Oil on the site.   I had to tell her that due to PayPal's regressive policies about the sale of "marijuana" online, I could no longer offer it, and that the "half off" sale I was running 6 weeks ago was ended, but she could still purchase some--I'd just send her an anonymous link for payment.  I didn't hear back, so I guess the combination was a deal,-breaker.  Paypal suspended me back in August for a week when they noticed I was offering the hemp oil, which apparently was against their policies.  I'd had it on the website for over a year...

Well, it continues to rain lightly here, and the temps have definitely leveled out at a new low. It only got up to 46 today, with highs in the 50s for the rest of the week.  Oh, Kansas, you represent the seasons so well!

At this moment, I am left with a new-found allowance for my pain and the way my body is transforming.  My ego responses before have been reactions of fear, insecurity, and dread around my "condition" and "situation".  Now there's an over-arching feeling of nurturing and a level of "okay-ness" I haven't had before.