That Bias Against Not Knowing

 

If you've lived long enough, there is a deeply transformative event that has probably happened to you. I call it "breaking open". It's when your worst fears, your deepest separations, and the destruction of your most cherished beliefs, lead you to such a deep despair, you begin to question everything you knew to be true. You realize you just don't have ANY answers--you have NOTHING to offer, and a survey of your life reveals no value whatsoever.

The first time this happened to me, I was in a difficult marriage riding alongside an existential mid-life crisis. I didn't know what to believe anymore. I didn't believe IN anything--certainly not myself. I felt like there was no "me" there anymore. What finally returned me to a functional ego was a book by Dr. Gerald May, The Dark Night of the Soul. In it I found a sort of spiritual rock to cling on to while I rode out the existential storms of my life. In time, I found comfort in the embracing of that dark night, as it revealed to me the depth of my feelings, the breadth of my not knowing, and the cosmic panorama of who or what I might be.

The second visit to the dark end of the street, was the loss of my partner. Her death broke open my heart, where I could see all the ways and hidden recesses of my resistance to loving, and the terrible regret I now had that I never truly shared myself with her. It hit me much harder than I had expected, or I should say her death was not what hit me so much as the realization that I never let myself love her the way she loved me. The further shock was seeing how I lied about it, and denied my own heart. Why was I seeing this NOW after she's gone! I cried, I writhed in the remorse, and I went deep into the grief of how I had lost my own heart.

These two journeys laid me out spiritually, prostrate on the rocky shore of the threshold to divine communion--a kind of ego destruction where nothing is important, and yet it all seems to have impact.

What got me reminiscing about these adventures was a talk by Miranda MacPherson called, "Ego Relaxation". She describes her own "breaking open" of her spiritual practice that reduced her to an extreme state of not knowing. Not knowing who or what she was, not knowing if she had anything to offer the world, or herself.

She finally came to an awareness that these profound states of not knowing are also part of who we are. And, in fact, are a gateway to our own divinity. As corporeal beings living in this dualistic world of opposites, we form biases in favor of knowing. We avoid and fight our own ignorance, and take definitive steps to transform our ignorance into knowledge. Culturally, not knowing has negative consequences, and is all twisted up with trust issues and existential security.

We diligently seek "answers" when we don't know something, and mistakenly carry over that habit into our spiritual life where there is a whole other thing going on. We get confused between ego knowing and the awareness of self.

The ego says it knows what and who we are--it knows what we've done and why. It knows what love is, and is certain about its own potentials and purposes. These are all ego constructs, and they are the solid basis upon which we build our sense of what is real, and what we are willing to experience.

The conflict arises when we attempt to connect to the Universal. We don't reference ourselves as being everything, because then there is no individual-ness, no point of reference between who we are and God. MacPherson points out that this is where the real spiritual work begins. We can begin to acknowledge and relax all the ego constructs, we can begin to seek to de-construct all those decisions and choices about who and what we are, admitting the Truth that we are everything, and yet are nothing. Our life is created simply because we exist, and yet what we are is an ineffable single point from which all things proceed.

By laying out the ego and allowing it to be just as much a part of our being as the rest of our life, allows us a transcendence of the dualities of living. Our identity can be more truly seen as a loved and loving character, an avatar if you will, in this game we have gotten so caught up in.

Your identity is loved. Who you are at any moment is loved. And through that love is the eternal connection we all have to each other.

Finding Your "Shool"

 

Those of us who deal with pain on a daily basis, I believe are greatly hampered by language when it comes to incorporating well-being into our lives. I have noticed over the years that there is actually no word that describes a non-pain state, without using the word pain: PAIN-less, no pain, pain free, pain relief, etc., etc.

When we are in the throes of pain, the immediate cessation of it becomes all-absorbing, with our attention focused--stuck, really--on the experience of the pain. There is no "go to" concept we can focus on that is "not pain", other than focusing on what doesn't hurt, which, again, includes pain in the desire of it. It's no wonder it is so easy to get caught up in the "pain cycle'--the more it hurts, the more it traps your attention, which then leads to more of it.

Last week, I got into a fascinating discussion with a local Native American "medicine man", Jake, who asked me, "How is your 'shool'?"

After observing the blank look on my face, he continued. "Have you ever heard of the idea of 'loosh'?" Yes, I had, actually. Loosh is the energy of suffering--the low frequency energy of pain and agony, and it is said that it's an energy that vampiristic beings feed off of to increase their own energy.

"Yes," Jake continued. "We just turn that concept around, and what you have is a word for your sense of well-being. We like to use it to describe a spectrum, where low shool is where it is difficult to spot anywhere on your body or your life where something feels good; and then high shool, is where you feel fantastically alive and high vibe."

I nodded, suddenly realizing he was answering this question I'd had for years.

"When there is pervasive pain, usually the first thing we do is try to get rid of it, when the healing thing to do is to acknowledge with gratitude where in your body there is no pain. We call it 'finding your shool," he gazed at me and I realized that although my shoulders were aching and my knees hurt, my lower back felt really good.

"Yes, concentrate on that. Give that your energy and attention, and it will expand," he added right after my thoughts.

As Jake left the room, I was elated to have a wonderful tool with this shool thing. In Manifestation 101, we learn that what we put our attention on expands. This is the problem with pain, so we turn to external chemical means--analgesics, NSAIDs, and such nostrums, to just get our attention off of it. This is why the shool concept is so valuable. We can now rest our attention on those areas of the body that feel good, or at the very least, don't hurt, and by turning our attention thus, those good feelings can expand.

Jake also advised that we can increase our shool where there is pain, by noticing that there is some part of that painful area that feels okay, or even feels good. He said that in order for pain to exist, there has to be its opposite present--and that's shool.

Our sense of proprioception is greatly affected by pain. Limping is a good example. We change how we feel movement in our body by avoiding the movements that trigger pain. In the Feldenkrais Method, the practitioner slowly and gently moves the body into those areas where there has been a proprioceptive avoidance of pain, demonstrating that either there is greater range of motion than was thought, or that the proprioceptive reaction is no longer necessary--basically allowing shool to expand in the area.

This goes much deeper into what it means to hurt, to suffer, and to eventually start defining ourselves by our state of pain--changing our social behaviors, altering our physical movements, and justifying the pain by accepting it as a part of who we are in the world. This is all a result of pain fixation, and not realizing that there is shool within the pain that is the gateway to healing.

Again, back to Manifestation 101, Joe Dispenza said it well: "You have to feel whole before your healing; you would have to feel abundance before your wealth; you would have to feel awe before the mystical moment; you would have to feel love before your new relationship; and you would have to feel empowered before your success." So, I would add you would need to feel shool before your healing.

Death Is Obsolete

 

"Death, as a concept, is preposterous in the face of the infinite effulgence of being." -- Unknown

From a quantum perspective, death is actually a re-arrangement, a re-assignment, of particles and waves. But death in the way it is used in casual social parlance, means the "end" of a living organism's lifespan. I had a wonderfully bizarre conversation with a channelled being calling itself "Anttarr" one afternoon back in 1991.

I had asked if my lifespan was predictable--you know, that question that most psychics get: When am I going to die? Anttarr replied, "Dying is a hallowed tradition amongst you humans. It is a way to escape commitments, prove a point, give up, and stop playing the game."

I countered, "So we humans don't have to die? If we wanted to, we could live as long as we wanted?"

And before I had completed that sentence, Anttarr barged in, "Of course, of course. But there is much to unravel here. There are hundreds of generations of DNA programming to prove to you that death is as inevitable as taxes," it chuckled. "But no, you don't have to leave your body, nor do you have to age. That, too, is a social meme, a more, an accepted value; a way of constructing a character around an ego. A way of using time to validate self."

I didn't really have anywhere else to go with the conversation, so I changed the subject. But Anttarr's words stuck in my craw, and every time I start mulling over my mortality, Anttarr is standing there waving his "finger".

This week, Deepak Chopra published an article in SF Gate Magazine, called "Practical Immortality". In it, he stresses the point that consciousness cannot be non-existent. It always has been and always will be conscious. It is the basic, fundamental property of experience, the physical universe, and all dimensions beyond this one.

Within this context, the concept of death is exposed as an extreme example of duality. As Alan Watts said, "Death implies Life", since death would be meaningless without life. In the social human world, we have languaged and defined life as "not death", focussing cultural attention on the end of life being the reason for living. On the face of it, it makes a kind of slavish sense, but universally and from a non-dualistic view, it is absurd.

If we can turn this around so that death exists alongside life, it makes much more sense, and becomes something we can work with. Life no longer is defined by death--no longer defined by "lifespan". Instead, death becomes a useful agent for change--a way to transform self, and transcend the death-obsessed ego.

In most cultures is the idea, or tradition, of the "mid-life crisis", seemingly brought on by "becoming aware of one's mortality." This is how we program our minds, our DNA, and those around us, into carrying on this fine tradition of mortal fear, body death, emotional loss and suffering. We live our lives under the auspices of "being a contribution to society" while we're still alive to create a "legacy", and generally use death to motivate and worship our ego.

In the face of the "effulgence of infinite being", these concepts, traditions and cultural habits become obsolete. And by contextualizing living as an everlasting sequence of experiences and expressions of form, we arrive much closer to the Cosmic Truth about existence--a truth that is informed by infinite possibilities, choices, freedom and joy. We choose to live in this form. We choose to live as boundless expressions of creation, untethered by such mundane and slavish concepts of "lifespan" or "mortality".

By living a life without end, we send a message to our DNA to continually repair and regenerate, and we embrace the nourishing impossibility of non-existence. We have always been here, and will always be here. It's the inescapable essence of life.

Rounding the bend toward healing

I finally have put it together after SIX YEARS of mis-diagnoses, extreme pain, discouragement, and general life upheaval.  I now see a way to transcend my physical mal-adaptation (for want of a better word).

Here's the story:

My life partner, Shay, had taken an apartment in San Diego in order to be close to a doctor in Tijuana who was treating cancer with a new aggressive form of chemo-therapy that was not FDA approved. Shay had been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer, and rather than continuing to commute from Portland, she opted to move to San Diego, where she could also attend courses and participate in regimens at the Optimum Health Institute in Lemon Grove.

Meanwhile, I was holding down the fort in Portland, running the online health products business, taking care of two houses (one rental), and playing drums nights in various bands, with the occasional tour.

Shay was not doing well, and finally called to say she couldn't do it alone anymore, and would I please come down to assist.  I loaded up the RV with items she wanted from the Portland residence, and packed a bag for myself.

Once situated, I commenced driving her back and forth over the Mexican border a couple of times a week.  At some point, her condition deteriorated to the point where she needed hospitalization, so she was admitted to the Tijuana hospital where her doctor had been administering her chemo treatments.

Initially, she was admitted to treat a bad case of pneumonia, and had surgery to insert a drainage tube into her lung.  On the day of her surgery, she had a couple of visitors who had come in from San Diego and her sister who had come down from Portland,  for moral support, so we were all sitting around her hospital bed, joking and reminiscing.  I suddenly began to feel sick--a slowly building nausea, that ended with me hunched over a toilet, puking my guts out.

It felt like an extreme version of stomach flu--although I'd never had it that bad before.  I decided to go back to San Diego to recuperate, and Shay's sister decided to go with me, as her flight was leaving the next day.  It was a miserable drive back to the apartment, since the traffic line at the border was always a long wait--and with stomach flu--well, let's say I don't ever want to do that again!

The "flu" lasted about 36 hours, and I was having trouble even keeping water down. After a couple of days, I was still shaky, but able to eat.

I went back down to Tijuana, and remained there until Shay passed a few days later.  Although it was expected, her death was still a big emotional blow for me, and contributed to compromising my immune system, setting the stage for what was to come for me physically.

After her death, I opted to remain in San Diego, taking over her rental, and beginning a new life without Shay.  After about 8 months, I began getting extreme pain in my left shoulder at night, which then migrated to my right shoulder, making sleep difficult and intermittent.  These shoulder pains would come and go--some nights be absent altogether, other nights I'd be up all night.  Aspirin didn't cut it, and I was getting anxious about what the hell it was.

Then, it seemed to subside, and I was relieved.  It was just in time to go to Burning Man!  It was my first time, and was a great experience.

Upon my return, the pain came back, but now had spread to my knees, with swelling and aching. I was doing daily yoga at the time, and it got the point where it was just too painful to continue. I started getting regular massages, and that helped.

Over the next 5 years or so, I saw healers, naturopaths, acupuncturists, and shamans.  I have always been a spiritual person, and this "condition" took me down a deep rabbit hole of conscious awakening, self-discovery, and put me face to face with the darkest parts of myself.  And for that, I am grateful.

However, I'd sure prefer to not experience my body AS PAIN.

The condition has left me with 50% less muscle mass, shrunken cartilage in my shoulders and knees, and an inability to stand fully, due to pain.  I can't "walk" (hobble really) or stand for more than 15 minutes, without pain getting to an "8" (my own scale where 8 is involuntary vocalizing).  Symptoms are much worse upon waking, with sharp pains in both wrists and elbows joining sharp pain in shoulders, knees and ankles.

As I have scanned the past 6 years every day, I always come back to that Mexican flu.  I believe now that whatever bacterial infection that was, it got established in my joints and is reflecting back as "bacterial arthritis".  I was susceptible to this due to continuing battles with dental dysbiosis--gingivitis and at its worst, periodontal disease--which had become systemic in my 40s, but with diet and focused dental care, I was able to control it.  However, the channels had been set up, making the body a prime candidate for bacterial overgrowth, which I now know is what is going on.

I never did anti-biotics, instead opting to do probiotics, but now I see that the level necessary to get to a deeply ensconced bacterial "fortress" has been woefully inadequate.

I began a course of Source Energy Medicine--the system developed by Stephen Pollitt, applying theories of "programmed water" developed by the late Masura Emoto.

Now, after nearly 4 months on the program, my body awareness and communication has increased to the point where certain vital information is finally coming into my consciousness about what my body has been trying to tell me all this time.   One of the "programs" in Source Energy Medicine is bacterial infestation, which is something I occasionally wondered about, but now realize THAT is what my body has been me to laboring to get me to understand.

As of today, I've begun "phage" therapy with  bacteriophage cocktail from Body Ecology, and have doubled  my probiotic intake, and for the first time in over 6 years, I'm feeling some relief from the body finally giving me a "thumbs up" for this line of treatment that I haven't had since the genesis six years ago/

Stay tuned!

Greener Pastures and Silver Linings

Here's a thought experiment: Imagine a playing field, such as a soccer or football field. Now, at one end the playing field is a beautiful countryside with rainbows, beautiful flowers, amazing villages, children laughing, super-high-vibes--your happiest place. At the other end of the field are your worst nightmares--darkness, sadness, terror, injury, drama and dysfuntion. Now, go down onto the field. Which end are you closer to?

We all live somewhere on this dualistic spectrum--some days closer to the light end than the dark, and other days closer to the dark than the light. Within this dualistic mindset, is an aversion to the dark, and a longing for the light, and therein lies a trap of sorts.

By resisting the dark end of the spectrum, we expand it, and by longing for the light, we demonstrate how the light end of the spectrum is not what we are having, doing, or being. It is a sort of double jeopardy, where one end seems unattainable while the other seems to be continually biting at our heels. As Princess Leia of Star Wars said to the Imperial General, "The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."

We have been acculturated to deny and run from the darkness within ourselves, and like so many societal "solutions" to undesirable states and conditions, the more intensely we resist and deny the darkness, the more solid it becomes.

"Greener Pastures" are always "over there" somewhere away from where and what we are being right now. That "Silver Lining" is always behind those dark clouds, seemingly out of reach, representing a day of divine blessing that never seems to come.

What is easily forgotten, or overlooked, is that the "dark end" of the field could not exist without the light end. And if we find ourselves at the dark end of the field, it means there must be an opposing light end. The other unacknowledged truth is that within each moment at the dark end there exists a gateway to the light. We have only to make that choice to go there.

By getting hung up about "how dark it all seems", we expand it, make it greater than we are. We lose hope of ever getting to the light, and tumble further and further into that Dark End Zone. We stop looking at the light end, throwing away personal power in favor of "fate" or a rescuing "savior" that will make it all go away.

News flash: We are all our own saviors, and we save ourselves by choosing and committing to that light end of the field.

When there is pain, we must acknowledge that relief co-exists with that pain. We choose relief and thus begin the hero's journey out of pain. When there is the loss of a loved one, we must acknowledge that connection, oneness and love is co-existing with that sense of loss. When there are financial setbacks and poverty, there can only be such things because prosperity and abundance exist within those conditions. Just as with any problem, the solution exists within it.

I was sent a very special video by a friend that got me going on this--a talk by Miranda MacPherson. She speaks about the practice of non-duality being a frontal assault on everything we've decided we cannot be. Everything convinces us that we are not good enough, strong enough, smart enough or conscious enough to experience joy, grace and unconditional love in our lives. By fully embracing the entire spectrum of dark to light, and truly accepting and allowing both ends as eligible for unconditional love, we rise to the awareness that all is good, all is joy, and all is love. There are no excuses for our perceived weaknesses, as those are a denial of our strength. There are no excuses for our stupidity, as that points directly at our innate intelligence--how we learn and grow to appreciate our choices.

As we become inclusive of ALL of who and what we are--the entire spectrum of densities from that carbonized black goo to the glorius effulgent light of infinite being, we gain a mastery over our choices. We gain a truly deep appreciation for everything we've gone through across the entire spectrum of experience, for it has brought us to this place of true understanding.

We become free to run and jump and roll around anywhere we please on that Field, in the full knowing that no matter where we go, we are loved, we are cherished, and we are infinitely free.

Mindfulness and the Status Quo

I ran across an article about mindfulness the other day that kind of boggled my mind with its oversimplicity, snarkiness and, well, rudeness. The author was attempting to make an argument that the current popularity of mindfulness practices is re-inforcing the economic and social status quo, denying social injustices, and is creating a world full of self-centered, passive magical thinkers.

It was like watching someone who has no idea what a football is, lay out an elaborate critique about the football not being round.

This writer had decided that if everyone spent their lives watching their thoughts without judgment, nothing would get changed in the world because there would be no reason to change anything, as if judgmentalism and victimhood were pre-requisites to social change.

He was also writing from a trolling position of "those mindfulness people", obviously without having ever done the practice. I would like to point out to this unfortunately misinformed critic that the practice of mindfulness is probably the world's best hope for survival.

If all the world's leaders were able to sit together in mindful non-judgment about the state of the world, wouldn't you think things would change, not only politically, but economically as well?

Being in non-judgment doesn't mean to stop caring about injustices, prejudices, and "evil" in the world--on the contrary, non-judgment comes from a place of non-duality, where the naked truth of a situation can be revealed in all its ugliness or beauty. From there, the mindful person can then make a choice as to what is desired in one's personal life and the world at large.

The other vital characteristic of mindfulness is becoming aware of one's personal dark side--the habitual monkey-ninded diatribe of negativity that pulls a person into depression, hopelessness and apathy. By observing such automatic thoughts and feelings without judgment, they can be seen for what they nearly always are: a cry for love. By acknowledging these thoughts and feelings, it reduces their frequency, neutralizes their power, and reveals the trauma and hurt crying out for a loving embrace.

Another argument was centered around being "happy" with any negative situation, so that the mindful person has no motivation to change anything. This just points up the author's ignorance of the practice. Remember that "Kung Fu" TV episode when Cain is put in jail? He sat down and went into meditation, becoming hyper-aware of his surroundings, he was then able to find a way to harmlessly break out of the prison. This is what mindfulness provides: a way to use the mind to look at all aspects of a situation--without denial, without judgment--so that all perceptions and powers can come to bear on a problem.

The author also had a problem with the meme, "Happiness is an inside job", as if a person can only achieve happiness by controlling outside circumstances. This, of course, is backwards. By "being OK" with one's predictament is not saying they are satisfied with it. The "being OK" means that all facets of a situation--both positive or negative--can be observed with equanimity and then intelligent choices made to change or not change it. Personally, if I'm experiencing a negative circumstance, I would much rather "get my mind right" about it by achieving peaceful allowance of it so that all the possibilities for action can be considered. Otherwise, I'd just be throwing my fists wildly in the air in hopes of hitting something--and I've been there, believe me!

Mindfulness is a vital practice, and anyone who says different is advocating for self-ignorance, low intelligence, and warlike approaches to the world's problems. It is important to allow that many people do have these non-mindful views, because by being OK with them allows us to see the pain and injustices that must have been at their genesis.

The Strange Angel of Being

I kept scrolling past the TV Series, "Strange Angel" on CBS All Access last week. I watched the trailer, and wasn't really that interested in yet another series having to do with Luciferianism or magical thinking. Just not in the mood. Later, after exhausting all other viewing options, I finally broke down and tuned in.

"Strange Angel" is basically a recruitment film for Luciferianism, set in the 1930s, with sumptuous art direction and impeccable set design. The actors are all unknowns, but the casting is excellent.

The story revolves around a chemist with a rocket obsession--he wants to go to the moon, and stumbles on a "new kind of religion" that he believes will deliver him his lunar dream. The story addresses all the common "misconceptions" about Luciferianism, and the practitioners are all harmlessly framed.

Back in the day--way back--I had made some inquiries into this sort of belief system; reading stuff by Aleister Crowley, Madame Blavatsky, and even John Dee. It all seemed relatively harmless, even useful, from a manifesting point of view, but I ended up not following up on it much because there was something a little "off" about it I couldn't put my finger on.

Well, after watching Season 1 of "Strange Angel" (they are renewed for Season 2 this fall, BTW), I finally found where to put my finger, and realized what that "splinter in my mind" about it was: Intent is presented as a replacement for being. In other words, this belief system touts the Will as something separate from being.

Aleister Crowley's famous meme and cornerstone of these sorts of intent-centric belief systems, "Do what thou wilt", in my view, is an error, and this is why. Yes, humans have the ability to project their will on the world, and sometimes observe it "bending" to that will. But this is a misinterpretation of what's actually going on.

A strong desire, or will, or focussed intent has its genesis in being. You can't "will" something to happen without first being that thing, or more accurately, being the thing you would naturally be in light of who you are. And if such practices as Luciferianism are guilty of anything, it's over-simplification.

True, there are such elaborate tricks as "spells", "curses", and other versions of Mesmerism--all having to do with the manipulation of another's karmic time line with repetitious symbols and chants to gain resonate entrainment. A person is as susceptible to these things as they have perpetrated them on another, or who are in large denial about who and what they are.

Hence, any studies having to do with meditation, mindfulness, higher conscousness, and such, are attacked and discouraged by those on the black end of the magic intent spectrum--such as the inner sanctum of world cabals and the dark, soft underbelly of the Deep State controllers, who sanctioned such "research" as CIA MK Ultra Mind Control experiments, electromagnetic brain influencing, and Pavlovian television experiments--all still active today behind the curtain of government "black ops" programs. If you can keep a populace distracted, sick and stressed out, it is much easier to manipulate.

Okay, back to being. There is such a thing as being in "congruence", or in alignment with who you are being in the world. This is key, because there is a complication when it comes to manifesting one's preferences or desires: there are TWO points of attraction around which the universe coalesces. There is the "higher" self--the self that is outside of time and space; and then there is the "temporal" self, down here on the ground, all wrapped up in "3D" physical timeline existence. What you may desire down here in the trenches, may not align with what your true, inner, oversoul desires.

So this is where Crowley and his ilk are wrong. They disregard this dualism--saying that whatever you want, you can have--a gross oversimplification and a misleading come on to gullible spiritual seekers. It is, in fact, how such Luciferian movements as "The Secret" film and the generally misunderstood "Law of Attraction" got traction.

Yes, the Luciferians make a good case for non-duality, which I personally embrace as a spiritual practice, but, as they effectively demonstrated in the "Strange Angel" TV Series, it becomes a platform for the ends justifying the means, and that personal power lies beyond such concepts as "good" and "evil". This ignores the fact that humans are hard-wired to protect and preserve themselves, the species, living things and life itself. Those destructive or murderous outliers are victims of extreme epigenetic factors, outright "possession", or are carrying a massive load of karma.

There is no need to "intend" anything. Just be. What you are experiencing is the way the universe is forming around who you are being, not what you "want" or "desire". The denial or rejection of who we are is what creates conflicts, "bad luck", and other life maladies. So when things get tough or difficult, the tendency is to want something other than what is going on, instead of embracing that toughness or difficulty as an unacknowledged part of being that is screaming for attention.

The allowing and embracing of ALL of what we are is what creates an abundant life, because there is nothing left wanting, and nothing but fulfillment. We fulfill ourselves, and the universe simply forms an abundant, fulfilled life around that.

I have pointed out certain complications of living, but that doesn't mean it's complicated. It gets complicated when we separate what we think we want from who we actually are. We abandon who we are for what we want, without realizing that we already are everything we could ever desire.